I haven’t been to the gym in so long, I didn’t know women just dress like whores now… And don’t look! You’re not allowed to look. — Shane Gillis, “Saturday Night Live” monologue, Oct. 10. If you ask me, Shane Gillis might be right about the declining standards of athletic atti re. But if Gillis is scandalized by the fabric bunching up around the backsides of women’s athletic shorts, he’s definitely overlooked two very important points. And I cite these two points quite literally: nipples. To be specific, men’s nipples at a HYROX competition, the grueling endurance fitness sport that’s become a global phenomenon. It started innocently enough. Me, scrolling through social media. There they were, on full display as one of my Facebook friends competed in a HYROX event completely shirtless, squatting and thrusting a 20-pound medicine ball overhead, man boobs and butt cheeks jiggling for all to see. That’s when I noticed he wasn’t the only one. There were half-naked men everywhere. More six-packs than a 7-Eleven on Super Sunday. Hurling their bodies onto the floor. Guy on guy — one dragging a sled, while the other followed a little too closely behind. Hammering on a Ski Erg. And all the while topless, dripping sweat, their tight, shorty-shorts creeping up farther and farther, daring me to look away. But look away I did not. I was too busy wondering what exactly these men were trying to accomplish by dressing so seductively. They had to know what they were doing. What with all of the advances in moisture-wicking technology, there could be no excuse for this level of exhibitionism. On the other hand, maybe there could. I mean, I read somewhere that the resurgence of short hemlines could be a recession indicator. Maybe these men were simply doing what they could for the economy, for climate change, for the good of all mankind. Or perhaps it was a nod to history. It’s been said that Orsippos of Megara was competing in the ancient Olympics’ 185m run when his loincloth accidentally slipped off. Oops! Silly me, he was heard to exclaim as he sprinted on, butt naked, to win the race. Back at the HYROX comp, I couldn’t get that rapper Nelly out of my mind. It’s getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes. I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off. I mean, they were practically begging us to stare. Or maybe they just love the idea of distracting the female spectators. Not to mention the female competitors who at least covered themselves with a sports bra. And yet, we’re not supposed to look. Eyes up here, they say, catching our sidelong glances. It’s not like we’re trying to look sexy, they say. We’re just out here doing sports. As a longtime CrossFit athlete myself, I can appreciate the fact that men work their scantily clad asses off for those hardbodies. They want to show it off. Or maybe they’re a retired mechanical engineer with dreams of becoming a fitness influencer. Whatever, I get it. But the fact is, you can’t have your beefcake and eat it too. All I’m asking is that you have the decency to put a shirt on. Or I just can’t be responsible for what might happen if you don’t. I’m all like Nelly, good gracious, ass is bodacious, just tryna keep my patience. But I digress. What kind of message are all these thirst traps sending to impressionable women like me? What happened to leaving something to the imagination? What happened to the idea of shame, Shane? Believe me, not all of us are here to ogle your glistening shoulders, your buns of steel, your bulging … biceps. I just don’t understand why you insist on dressing so suggestively. What are you, some kind of — I don’t want to say the word, because I don’t want you to feel diminished in any way — but it rhymes with chore. Maybe you’re looking for attention. Maybe you’re trying to attract women. Or maybe, and I say this with all due respect … maybe you simply have none. Self-respect, that is. Whatever the reason may be, I just wish these men would show a little consideration. You know, some of us are just trying to watch a sporting event. The post Betty Diaries: It’s getting hot in here appeared first on Park Record. ...read more read less