Sandra Bullock is sharing how she cared for partner Bryan Randall in the final years of his life after his ALS diagnosis, and how his illness impacted their family. The actor spoke in depth about Randall’s passing for the first time during an interview on the “Smartless” podcast, hosted by friends Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes and Will Arnett. At the start of the latest episode, Bullock mentioned she had previously been a guest five years ago. But she said she “was not mentally there during that show.” When Bateman asked what Bullock was dealing with during the time, she opened up about her relationship with Randall, who died in 2023 at the age of 57 following a “three-year battle with ALS,” his family shared at the time. Later in the podcast, Hayes said Bullock confirmed to him before they started recording that she was finally ready to speak out. “I feel safe to talk to you guys about it,” she told the co-hosts. “What I have now, I would not have to share had I not gone through that. I would not ever want to go through it again,” she said. “Though you never know, life … it’s tricky. But I wasn’t allowed to speak about it. That was the request.” She revealed that Randall asked her not to share his diagnosis with anyone, which “isolated” her throughout his treatment. She noted that he was diagnosed during the COVID-19 pandemic, further separating her from friends and family she could lean on. Bullock said at that time she was also “panicking” as one of her two children, Louis and Laila, has “severe asthma” and she was trying to prevent them from contracting the virus. The actor then discussed the process of Randall finding out he had ALS. She said he spent over a year completing different tests until doctors determined he had the disease, which affects the nervous system. “His was not hereditary, which is, I think, a huge sigh of relief. But it was about a year and some of watching it to see what it is. It could have been this, could have been this. But what I saw, I knew. I knew it. And you have to quietly plan,” Bullock shared. She said after caring for her father, who was ill, and her mother, who had cancer, she didn’t feel scared. But, she knew that she had to help her partner while also navigating being a mom to two young children, particularly daughter Laila, who viewed Randall “as a father figure.” Eventually, Bullock told her sister about the diagnosis and she was the only other person who knew. The actor recalled reaching out to different doctors to see if Randall could get on a list for trial drugs. She said she had “the privilege” of being able to pay for the caretakers that Randall needed. “I think not talking for a while was good, and then when the physical illness was then coupled with the mental health aspect of things — it’s something that people don’t talk about, and it doesn’t happen to everybody — but it was a trifecta that was pretty dark. I had incredible nurses … they’re like four big brothers in my kitchen every morning,” she shared. Additionally, she worked with a child therapist to help her explain Randall’s condition to her children. She said Louis and Laila noticed the physical change in Randall and handled it differently. While Louis realized about two years before Bryan’s death that he needed to step away, Laila stayed involved until around six months before he died. “I was able to sort of wall off a whole section (of my house) and make it a different entrance where it had an outside garden and all these kinds of things,” she said about managing to keep the children away from the situation when they asked. Bullock said she looks back at that time in her life and sees the toll it took on her. In some red carpet photos of herself, she notices her skin looks gray. “I just felt there was this black shroud over me. Going, if my curse, which is the minute I say something about this, I don’t want anyone else to be blamed for something,” she explained. She felt “relief” when she finally confided in her friends. Jan 4, 2024 Sandra Bullock spreads late partner Bryan Randall's ashes in Wyoming Aug 9, 2023 What is ALS? In Memoriam Aug 7, 2023 Sandra Bullock's Longtime Partner Bryan Randall Dead at 57 While she said Randall would have to be the one to explain why he wanted his illness to be kept a secret, she added, “I think where he was in his journey, both physically and mentally, I started grieving Bryan four years before he passed. Like something in my head said, ‘Start the grieving now.’ Because I knew I would be the caregiver, and I could see, like, the bright eyes that I knew … there was something that had shifted.” She continued, “It is a traumatic diagnosis. Anyone who can prevail through a diagnosis like that, I bow down. You know, my mother had cancer. We always had hope. You always have hope that there’s something. But I could see that there was a darkness.” Bullock revealed that she had lingering “guilt” from Randall’s death up until about a year ago. She said as a mother she felt guilty that her children had to experience such a difficult time. “Then someone said to me, you know, ‘If you believe children choose you, they also choose this journey. This journey is for them, as well,’” she said. “That sort of took a little weight off my shoulders.” Still, she said she apologized to them for what happened. Bullock and Randall, a model turned photographer, met in 2015 when he was hired to snap photos for Louis’ birthday party. “He’s the love of my life,” Bullock gushed about Randall in a 2021 interview on “Red Table Talk.” “I am someone who went through the divorce process. I found the love of my life,” she said at the time. “We share two beautiful children — three children, his older daughter. It’s the best thing ever. I don’t want to say, ‘Do it how I do it.’ But I don’t need a paper to be a devoted partner and a devoted mother.” This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY: ALS Cut One United Pilot’s Career Short. His Son Made the Final Trip Unforgettable ALS Is Stealing Their Bodies. These Moms and Dads Are Fighting to Keep Parenthood Dad With ALS Who Went Viral for Sharing His Journey Announces His Own Death: ‘Deeply Grateful’ ...read more read less