The following pages were discovered beneath a pile of Patagonia puffers and Carhartt beanies in a utility closet somewhere on Main Street. ACT ONE: SOMETHING IS COMING EXT: MAIN STREET — DAY INT. NO NAME SALOON — DAY TWO weathered LOCALS sit on stools at the bar. The BARTENDER sets a shot and a beer in front of them. LOCAL #1 Jesus, Max, can you believe we’re still sitting here after all these years. LOCAL #2 Seems like only yesterday I was slinging burgers when this joint was The Alamo. LOCAL #1 And you had hair. LOCAL #2 Too bad this town is going down the toilet — amirite or amirite, Max? BARTENDER Yeah and I heard they’re opening another yoga shop in the old Main Street Pizza Noodle. LOCAL #2 Just what this town needs — more black leggings. He downs his shot and slams the glass onto the bar. The lights overhead FLICKER and the bar goes dark. FADE TO BLACK. Ominous music. EXT. NO NAME SALOON — PRE-DAWN A large black sign has appeared overnight. Crudely hand-lettered in white: COMING SOON. FADE TO BLACK. ACT III: THE INVASION EXT. MAIN STREET — PRE-DAWN Camera pans slowly up the block, pausing at various storefronts. Each storefront fades up and fades out. Ominous music with a disturbing industrial hum. ALO. WARBY PARKER. SEPHORA. ANTHROPOLOGIE. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. CITY HALL — MORNING INT. CITY HALL — MEETING ROOM — MORNING A group of MEN AND WOMEN has assembled. CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS sit at the dais looking tired and concerned. MAN #1 All we want to know is what the hell is going on! WOMAN #1 We had dinner at Chimayo last night and then this morning when I was walking up Main, it was a Cheesecake Factory! WOMAN #2 (Quietly, as if in a daze) I asked my husband to pick me up a coffee at Atticus and he came back with a $22 Erewhon latte. ELDERLY MAN I haven’t seen anything like it since Mall of America opened in 1992. The doors BURST OPEN. A 12-YEAR-OLD BOY with curly hair and a baseball cap rushes into the room, waving a large piece of paper. WOMAN #3 Dustin! What are you doing here? DUSTIN Do you have to be told everything? You guys, listen. We don’t have much time — this is a CODE RED. The group crowds around Dustin and the paper, which we now see is an ancient map of Main Street. He uncaps a Sharpie. DUSTIN OK, everybody, listen up. Here’s Alo. Sephora. Chick-Fil-A. He begins connecting dots. CLOSE ON: THE MAP The Sharpie moves erratically across the paper as the lines begin to form a pattern. MAN #1 Son of a biscuit eater — WOMAN #3 Oh my god. It can’t be. DUSTIN I’m afraid it can. The completed shape comes into view: one large circle with two smaller circles on top. DUSTIN slowly colors the three circles black. Distorted MERRY-GO-ROUND MUSIC begins to play. An eerie CHILDREN’S CHORUS joins in, singing “It’s a Small World.” The lights FLICKER. FADE TO BLACK. ACT THREE: THE UPSIDE DOWN INT. ELEVATOR — UNKNOWN The group from City Hall is crammed into an elevator descending into darkness. The only illumination comes from a glowing red NO EXIT sign. WOMAN #1 Where are we going Dustin? DUSTIN You’ll see. EXT. MAIN STREET — THE UPSIDE DOWN The group emerges onto Main Street. But something is terribly wrong. Every building has been beautifully restored. There isn’t a single Java Cow napkin, Union Cafe paper cup or Collie’s dental pick on the ground. Soft instrumental music floats through the air. The group makes its way up Main Street. ALO. LULULEMON. VUORI. APPLE. POTTERY BARN. They stop at the Egyptian Theatre. It is now: THE DISNEY STORE. They continue. Town Lift Plaza is now: THE AMAZON PRIME LIFT, PRESENTED BY VISA. Miner’s Park: MINER’S PARK BY VICTORIA’S SECRET. MAN #1 (panicked) Wait. What about Dolly’s? DUSTIN (pointing) There. They look. SPIRIT HALLOWEEN. On the sidewalks, packs of 20-something blonde women move silently past, dressed in pastel leggings and matching crop tops. Nobody speaks. Everyone carries the identical pink Stanley cup. DUSTIN What I need you to understand is we’re under Main Street. This is an exact replica. Every time another national retailer opens up there, it gets stronger down here. WOMAN #1 But … what happens when the last local business disappears? Dustin looks at her. DUSTIN The two Main Streets become one. The group freezes. THUMP A beat. THUMP They turn. THUMP At the far end of Main Street, a 30-foot CREATURE lumbers toward them. It is made of shopping bags, Starbucks cups, yoga mats, puffer jackets, Amazon boxes; its enormous body dripping in thousands and thousands of leggings. CLOSE ON: DUSTIN. His face contorts in disbelief. DUSTIN Oh my god. It’s the MALL FLAYER. FADE TO BLACK ACT FOUR: THE BATTLE OF MAIN STREET EXT. MAIN STREET—THE UPSIDE DOWN The MALL FLAYER towers in the middle of the street surrounded by a flock of YOGA HANDMAIDENS. The women snap selfies, completely oblivious of the terrified group. DUSTIN Guys, listen. There’s only one way to stop them. The Mall Flayer feeds on predictability. We gotta throw down with all the weirdness we got. Woman #1 digs through her purse and pulls out a 1997 SUNDANCE CREDENTIAL. WOMAN #1 Take that, you hideous pile of polyester! She hurls it. The Mall Flayer SHRIEKS. DUSTIN: That’s it, Tanya! Come on! The rest of you! It’s now or never! The group springs into action. An ANCIENT SKI BOOT flies through the air. A SHOT SKI. A half-eaten BREAKFAST BURRITO FROM THE MARKET. Someone produces a large double cheese, half-sausage, half-pepperoni pie from RED BANJO and sends it sailing. The Mall Flayer recoils in horror. SOMEONE LOCAL CHARACTER! The yoga handmaidens SCREAM and flee down Main Street. The Mind Flayer begins to melt, collapsing into a bubbling pile of black, plastic goo. Within seconds, the goo vaporizes into a thin plume of lavender incense. It hangs in the air for a moment, then disappears. EXT. MAIN STREET — DAWN The group emerges onto the actual Main Street. Dawn breaks over the mountains. The hideous creature is gone. The town has been saved. The group embraces. Dustin smiles. Then something catches his eye. His smile disappears. Across the street, a CONSTRUCTION WORKER is hanging a sign outside No Name Saloon. Dustin stares. CLOSE ON: SIGN COMING SOON: COSTCO. CUT TO BLACK. The post Betty Diaries: Stranger Things and the mall-ification of Main Street appeared first on Park Record. ...read more read less