Dear Maggie,  How can I talk to my adult daughter about being more put together and taking better care of herself without making her defensive? She’s always been somewhat messy and unkempt. As a teen, it was clutter and piles of clothes everywhere, and now it’s wrinkled outfits, disorganiza tion and often looking rushed or thrown together. Whenever I gently bring it up or encourage better habits, she gets irritated and shuts down. I worry about how it affects her daily life, relationships and how others perceive her — especially professionally. Sincerely,  Just Trying to Help Dear Just Trying to Help, As a fellow untidy girl, I feel for your daughter. It can be hard to exist comfortably when organization and presentation don’t come naturally to you. Some people are simply wired differently, and constantly feeling like you’re falling short in an area where everyone else seems to succeed can become exhausting.  But etiquette applies here, even with your children. Often when we’re close to someone, we use familiarity as an excuse to throw civility out the window. If you’ve mentioned these things to your daughter before, then she already knows how you feel. Repeated comments about it likely make her feel worse about herself and even more so if you tell her at times where she can’t do much about it. I live by the 30-second rule. Generally, if someone’s appearance needs adjusting and they can do it in 30 seconds or less, then you tell them. That means things like spinach in their teeth, a downed zipper or upturned collar, go for it. Just be quick, polite and discreet. But if they can’t — like they spilled something on their shirt, their outfit doesn’t match or their pants are wrinkled — what does pointing it out do, other than make them feel self-conscious? Odds are, they already know. I’ve never stained a shirt and not been painfully aware. Have you? Keep it to yourself, even if it’s someone you know well.  The other layer here is what many people attribute to laziness or chalk up to “bad habits” can usually be something else entirely: depression, ADHD, anxiety, executive dysfunction or burnout. I am not trying to diagnose your daughter (and you shouldn’t, either), but I am saying that maybe the answer lies in exploring accommodations, rather than simply forcing her to change.  A cleaning service, laundry pickup, meal delivery, consultation with a stylist; these things aren’t indulgences if they allow someone to function better. If you’re looking for ways to help and your daughter is on board, this might be the way to go. But she has to be interested.  Consider that her priorities might be elsewhere and make peace with the idea she simply has her own aesthetic which does not match yours. Usually people don’t need more criticism; they need tools, support and a little compassion. xoxo, Maggie Send your burning questions to [email protected]. The post Dear Maggie: How do I encourage my daughter to take better care of herself? appeared first on CITY Magazine. Arts. Music. Culture.. ...read more read less