I’ve been married to my wife for nine years and we share a beautiful life together with our two young children. I came out to her as bi late last year after working through some major intimacy issues that are still ongoing. She accepts me and the issues are getting better. We are monogamous and I feel like we are still not as intimate as I would like. I don’t blame her — our lives are chaotic. Needless to say, sex is very important to me. Working with a therapist, I think I’m hypersexual due to past sexual trauma with men. I’ve never stopped fantasizing about my assaults, and I recently attended an all-male sex gathering where I masturbated in front of thirty men without my wife’s knowledge. It was cathartic being in a respectful environment where I was able to communicate my boundaries — which included not allowing anyone else to touch me — and consent was so clearly defined. I was able to find my voice, rewrite some past trauma, and fulfill a voyeurism/exhibitionism kink in a queer safe space. This was definitely just a one-off experience, and I don’t intend to move forward with any other same-sex play without communicating with my wife about it. I deeply love her, and I would never want to harm her health. Still, I feel so selfish, and a part of me feels like I really messed up badly, but I can’t shake how empowered I felt after it happened and how empowered I still feel. I’m extremely conflicted. My question is this: Should I tell my wife about it and risk ruining our amazing marriage? Or can I just let this truly be a one-off experience and forget about ever mentioning it? Jerking Off Somehow Enabled Significant Healing “I don’t think JOSESH messed up badly,” said Dr. Joe Kort, a psychotherapist who has worked with many male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. “He didn’t put his health at risk or his wife’s health at risk — and he didn’t risk legal issues that could have had consequences for his wife and family.” In other words, JOSESH, unlike some men who are drawn to voyeurism and exhibitionism, you didn’t risk arrest by pulling your dick out in a public place or by peering through a window and observing someone without their awareness, much less their consent. “JOSESH found men who provided him with informed consent and respected his boundaries about not being touched,” said Dr. Kort, “and created a corrective emotional experience for himself, one that helped him resolve part of his childhood trauma. We just don’t like to talk about this, but it is normal for a person to fantasize about childhood assaults. Clients come to me feeling very shamed about this and I tell them it is normal. The idea is that we were not in charge of it happening to us as a child, but we are in charge of the fantasy now. And taking charge like JOSESH did can be very empowering, so his feelings make sense.” As for the wife… “I always ask my clients facing a similar decision, ‘What is the reason to tell? Is it for you? Or is it for her?’ If a client says it’s for her, I ask, ‘How will being told benefit her?’ In JOSESH’s case, I don’t think being told about this one-off experience will benefit his wife. Therefore, I would advise him not to tell his wife.” While you definitely cut moral corners, JOSESH, and while you stepped outside of your zone of complete erotic autonomy (your monogamous partner has a right to know who you jack off in front of), you didn’t do anything that put your wife at risk. If you’d done something riskier — if you’d gotten fucked in the ass by all those men — your wife would need to get tested and/or wait until you’d been tested before having sex with you again. If your wife needed to get a full STI screening, she would “benefit” from knowing why (she would demand to know why); if you couldn’t have sex with her while you waited for your STI screening to come back, she would want to know why. “I do like the idea of JOSESH running the idea by her about doing it again in the future,” said Dr. Kort. “She knows her husband is bisexual, so the conversation about how he might want to act on it makes sense. Then he can decide — based on her reaction — whether to tell her about what he did.” Dr. Kort wanted to address one other thing in your letter: your use of the term “hypersexual” to describe yourself. “I’d be cautious with that label,” said Dr. Kort. “What JOSESH describes may be less about excess and more about unintegrated sexual energy tied to trauma, shame, and identity. This wasn’t random acting out — it wasn’t ‘hyper’ — it was organized, contained, and meaning-driven.” Dr. Joe Kort is the author of Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi: a Guide for Women Concerned About Their Men, among other books. You can follow him on Instagram @DrJoeKort and learn more about his work at www.joekort.com. My wife and I have been together for thirty years. Our sex life has been up and down throughout that time. Our sex life has been trending down for the past five years. We can go months without any sexual interaction. We have two teenagers at home and one of our kids has severe anxiety issues, where she always has to be with either me or my wife. So, my wife and I have not been alone together outside the home for close to two years. No dates, no dinners, no weekends away. It has been hard on both of us. Our kid is in therapy, and is definitely on an upward trend, which is great. I have voiced my displeasure about our sex life, and she hardly engages back. She blames perimenopause and the current situation with our kid, which is understandable. About five months ago, she decided to sleep in a separate room and sleeping apart has made things even worse. The manner in which she switched rooms was abrupt. There was no discussion. Over the past five years, she has gone away by herself to hang with friends or on non-mandatory work trips. She takes lingerie, sex toys, and “going out on the town” clothes on these trips. I have asked to participate in these excursions via phone or video chat — I’ve also suggested we get sex toys that can be controlled remotely — but she never wants me to participate in these activities with her, not even remotely. I want her to be happy, and I know getting away does that. Earlier this year, I voiced my concerns about her hooking up with other people on these trips when our own sex life is in such a dismal state. She insists she’s not hooking up and added that she wants me to be happy “whether that’s with me, with someone else, or a combination of the two.” I really don’t want to be with anyone besides her. When she says she doesn’t hook up with other people, I want to believe her, but I have doubts. Honestly, why wouldn’t she hook up? My questions: 1. Is she hooking up with other people? 2. If I do start hooking up with other people — per her suggestion — what would be the best method? I have never been on a dating or hookup app. I know some people in my area who are single, but I am unsure if it would be wise to ask one of them to be my “sex partner.” Is that a thing people do? 3. What is the best way to have more frequent sex with my wife? I have tried many things over the years. We went to a counselor one-time decades ago and it didn’t really help our sex life or marriage, and she refuses to see another counselor. Husband Upset By Situation My answers: 1. I don’t know whether your wife is fucking other people — I couldn’t possibly know that — but your wife is definitely fucking other people. Packing lingerie and “on the town” clothes for her solo trips is a tell, HUBS, because she wouldn’t need crotchless panties and a cocktail dress if she was just ordering room service and having a wank. Another tell: When someone in a monogamous relationship urges their spouse to start fucking other people, HUBS, it’s often a sign they’ve already started to fuck other people themselves. 2. Unless a single person in your area has unambiguously expressed an interest in fucking you, hitting on your single friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc., would be highly unwise. And by “unambiguously expressed an interest in fucking you,” I don’t mean some single person laughed at one of your jokes. I mean some single person literally looked you in the eye, HUBS, and said, “I want you to fuck me.” Any attempt on your part to interpret non-verbal and/or non-explicit cues as a sign someone wants to fuck you — acting on anything short of a clear and unambiguous ask — will be tainted by dickful thinking and highly likely to end in disaster. To find a single person who wants to fuck you, get on the apps, post some current photos, and be honest about your situation: you’re in a sexless marriage and you’re online — with your wife’s consent — looking for other partners. You should also be open to fucking married women who are also in sexless marriages. 3. I can’t know for sure whether your wife will ever fuck you again, HUBS, but your wife is definitely never going to fuck you again. So, if you want to have sex again sometime, you will have to get over only wanting to fuck her. And even if I’m wrong — if she does fuck you again someday — being pleasantly surprised on the day that it happens is better than being devastated every single day that it doesn’t. Gay cis man married to another gay cis man for a decade with three young kids that we had together. We both experience low desire, but his desire for sex has always been lower than mine. Things were going well when I was initiating but I needed to feel desired and wanted. So, I left it to him to initiate but we ended up in bed with our backs to each other every night. Now we have no sex and no intimacy. I want to stay married, and I don’t want to cheat. But I don’t want to be trapped in a sexless marriage either. I signed up for monogamy and not abstinence. What’s the best way to approach him to ask for some sexual freedom without losing him or his trust? I am really struggling and feeling very lonely in my marriage. Sexless Marriage And Spousal Happiness Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more! All Subscriber Benefits  Already Subscribed? Log in here. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love The post Show and Tell appeared first on The Stranger. ...read more read less