Dear Maggie, I’m 40 years old, have my own home, a great career, but I don’t feel like a fully grown adult. I’m not having a midlife crisis or anything — at least, I don’t think so — but I can’t help but feel something is stalled. What does it actually mean to “grow up,” and ho w do I know whether I’m doing it? Yours, Peter Pan Dear Peter Pan, If “growing up” meant that one day you would just suddenly have it all together, things would be a lot easier for everyone.  The problem with your question isn’t that you’re behind, it’s that we want to be “grown up” our entire childhood without really understanding what it means. We assume it’s something that happens to us, rather than something you step into over time. And when it doesn’t happen automatically, we assume we’ve failed. Biologically, you’re already there. Take a multivitamin and pat yourself on the back. Mentally and emotionally, though, is where things get messy.  Mentally: Take stock of how you react to the unknown. Can you do hard things without quitting? From what you’ve shared, it sounds like it.  Emotionally: Can you regulate your emotions, and take responsibility for your actions? Neither of these comes with age alone. They’re built through experience, reflection and mistakes (and no one likes making those). So why do so many adults still feel like imposters? One reason is that previous generations had clearer milestones — marriage, home ownership, kids, a set career path. Today, those things are either optional or economically out of reach. When there’s no clear “you have arrived” sign, it’s easy to feel perpetually unfinished. Another reason is that realizing you are an adult can conflict with how you see yourself. I don’t feel 37, but the amount of retinol and face cream I go through tells a different story.    My sister and I were gossiping at a family function once when my nephew appeared. She promptly told him to scram because “grown folks are talking.” We immediately looked at each other, wide-eyed. The phrase thrown at us whenever we got too near to closed conversations was suddenly ours to use. We are now, in fact, the “grown folks,” and it had never occurred to us before that moment.  My nieces and nephews come to me now for advice. Colleagues ask me for guidance at work. People looking to you for answers while you’re Googling “how to pick a contractor” or “is this pain in my side normal?” can be confusing.  News flash: The adults in your life — the ones who always seemed to have the answer to your problems — were also just winging it.  My advice is simple. If you feel stuck, it is not because you haven’t grown up, but it might be because you are measuring yourself against an idea of adulthood, rather than the real thing. Avoid comparing yourself to outdated expectations. Rather, narrow your focus to who you are, and who you still have room to be. Growing up isn’t about becoming someone or something else. It’s about becoming more intentional about who you already are. xoxo, Maggie The post Dear Maggie: A CITY advice column appeared first on CITY Magazine. Arts. Music. Culture.. ...read more read less