Hear ye! Hear ye! Gather around for the week's hottest (and trashiest) gossip! by Elinor Jones Hello Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. I've gotta make this part short because there's a lot of shit going down and if I don't make you giggle about all of it I will simply fade away, Tinkerbell-style. Let's go.  The People's Columns In his ongoing rampage to remake the country in his own image (i.e. ugly, tacky, nobody likes it, etc.) Trump has been on one about the columns that adorn the front of the White House. I don't consider myself a completely uncultured person, but it had literally never occurred to me that there were different kinds of columns until now, but there are, and obviously the Corinthian kind that Trump wants are needlessly gaudy. I looked up Corinthian columns to try to be able to make a joke about them, but OH MY GOD column lore runs deep, and I was not about to read all that. More like bore-inthian, amirite? Speaking of Republicans with bad taste, FBI Director (and guy who always makes me want to blink a bunch of times) Kash Patel is getting dragged for his extremely lame custom Nike Jordan 1s. It's not that it's lame to have custom shoes, but what is on them: it's the Punisher skull (of course), the number 9 (Patel is the 9th FBI director), and the FBI's motto "Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity." Imagine loving your job so much that you made your shoes say work stuff on them. Vance and Rubio may be debasing themselves with the too-big Trump tap shoes, but at least they can say they didn't color them on their iPad. A source sent me this photo of Kash Patel’s customized Nike’s. The shoes feature a number 9 (Patel is the 9th FBI director), a Punisher skull (a vigilante killer from Marvel Comics), and his personal logo (K$H). The backs of the shoes show the FBI motto: "Fidelity, Bravery,… pic.twitter.com/WWLXrLrP70 — William Turton (@WilliamTurton) March 16, 2026 Stars are Blind My favorite season—awards—finally wrapped up with the Academy Awards. We know that the Oscars peaked when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock and all the rest will pale in comparison, so this is the shadow in which we live, yada yada. Anyway, the best part about this year's event was actually what happened afterward: the Vanity Fair Oscar Party has historically been THE place to get photographed, but this year their red carpet had really shitty lighting, so all the celebrities who lined up to have their picture taken looked like actual humans and they are PISSED. I should clarify—it wasn't a red carpet. It was a gray carpet, with a gray backdrop. Despite genetics, money, makeup, and hours of glam, our hottest humans had no chance in what was functionally an over-lit parking garage.  In the ceremony itself, there was a sweet "In Memoriam" where Barbra Streisand shared that Robert Redford is the one who gave her the nickname Babs. She said to Robert, "'Bob, do I look like a Babs?" To which I said: hold the phone. Who in their right goddamned mind is calling Robert Redford "BOB"? The indignity! Not to put shade on the name Bob—my father was a Bob—but you call him Bob Redford, which is far too similar to Bob's Red Mill, and what? Suddenly we're confusing him with the oats guy? An iconic sex symbol does not deserve to have their in memoriam clouded by this confusing, cereal-forward nickname reveal. Get real, Barbra. Unrelated to the Oscars ,but you know something else super upsetting? Adrien Grenier, who played Andie's boyfriend Nate in The Devil Wears Prada, is in some feelings that he was not asked back for the sequel, and has gone so far as to suggest that Nate should get his own spinoff. Like... for what? After Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall, it doesn't really matter what the wall is up to. That part of the story is done. Other Celebrity Deaths Chuck Norris passed away at the age of 86. I'd like to use this opportunity to talk about Jessica Simpson's incredible memoir Open Book, wherein we learn that, as a child, she was sent by the Mickey Mouse Club producers to the Chuck Norris School of Acting to hone her craft as a child, and Chuck Norris would tape down her eyebrows to try to get her to act with her eyes. So if you enjoyed Jessica Simpson's work in The Dukes of Hazzard film, you have Mr. Norris to thank for that.  Love is in the Air Anora actress Ivi Wolk went on a podcast and said that Courtney Love fleeced her out of $45, and I think she is one lucky lady. Plenty of people would pay ten times that much for a fun Courtney Love story. She could honestly make a whole new career out of something like this. Some stars sell pictures of their feet for extra cash, she could commit mild bespoke larceny. In other love news, this season of The Bachelorette is a freaking MESS. ABC had to cancel it after video leaked of this season's star, Taylor Frankie Paul, throwing a chair at her then-partner in 2023 which led to her being arrested on domestic violence charges. This is a shocking last-minute move for ABC that will likely cost them millions, not to mention all the other brands that already have their tie-ins on the shelves. Cinnabon, apparently, even had to terminate their partnership with The Bachelorette and The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives franchises for not aligning with the "Cinnabon values." It's an awful lot of terminating for a gal who got famous for being in an anti-abortion cult.  And finally, Scrubs actor Zach Braff has insisted that he is not dating an AI chatbot. Sure. Did your AI chatbot girlfriend tell you to say that? Live Long and Oyster For years, a restaurant in Alabama had a sign on its wall stating that it would give out free oysters to any 80-year-old man who showed up with his father, and so a man went there on his 80th birthday with his 99-year-old father, and said "bitch, pay me." People sometimes say that if there's any reason to live a long life, do it for spite, but I think one could also do it for the free oysters. Happy birthday, oyster man. I hope you're not allergic to shellfish.  Local Transportation Trash The sickening allegations against activist Cesar Chavez have many places scrambling to rename all the stuff they named after him, including within Portland and the street FKA 39th Avenue. This is 1) the right thing to do; 2) pretty interesting it can be done so fast considering we still have whole-ass sets of streets named for slavers. My idea—which has yet to take off—is to leave the Cesar and replace Chavez with "Salad." Hear me out! Cesar Salad (yes, I know the common spelling is "Caesar," but be quiet, I'm on a roll) was actually invented in Mexico, and it was popularized by businesspeople and migrants traveling back and forth across the border. Cesar Salad Boulevard would honor the cultural impact of Mexican American immigrants while also honoring a top-notch salad.  Thank you for reading and being hot. And you know what else? If this column was a column I'd call it Elinorinthian. Okay, bye! Transportationally,   ...read more read less