Stephanie Woodward is a disability rights attorney, activist and mother. She is also disabled and used to strangers asking her inappropriate questions.  “The amount of people who are shocked that I have children and ask me how it is done…” she said. “And I’m like, is health clas s illegal where you’re from?”  For Woodward, those moments are not just awkward or offensive; they are revealing. They expose assumptions about who disabled people are allowed to be — partners, parents, caregivers and decision-makers. And those assumptions, she said, don’t just live in people’s heads.  Woodward argues that discrimination against people with disabilities, including people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, is not only persistent, but increasingly normalized.  “You have a current administration that has RFK saying people with autism will never be in real relationships, they’ll never have jobs, they’ll never live fulfilling lives,” she said. “Which is the exact opposite of what is true, and the opposite of what we’ve been working for.”  Woodward at home with her 18-month-old triplets. ROBERTO FELIPE LAGARES. One place where those beliefs become tangible is a little-known federal policy called the marriage penalty. For people who rely on Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or Medicaid, getting married can mean losing the income and healthcare they depend upon to survive.  BJ Stasio learned about this policy years ago, just after graduating from college, while trying to imagine what adulthood might look like.  “I kind of was thinking, ‘Maybe someday there will be somebody who will love me and want to marry me,’” he said.  Stasio, who is now a peer mentor and advocate at the state Office for People with Developmental Disabilities, said the discovery was jarring.  “That’s kind of how my journey into self-advocacy got started,” he said.  Under current federal rules, partners whose shared assets exceed $3,000 are no longer eligible for Medicaid or SSI. According to the Social Security Administration, countable assets can include vehicles and money in bank accounts. The policy applies to people with intellectual or developmental disabilities, people who are blind and people who are 65 or older.  To Stasio, the policy also shapes who is allowed to love openly and without penalty.  “The right to share your feelings and your love and your emotions with whoever you choose,” he said. “That’s what’s at stake here.”  Woodward added that the consequences ripple far beyond wedding ceremonies. When couples choose not to marry to preserve benefits, they enter a maze of legal uncertainty concerning housing, inheritance and family stability.  This story was adapted from a recent episode of WXXI’s “Move To Include” podcast: pictured from right, Woodward with host Noelle E.C. Evans. “There is no inherent right to survivorship,” she said. “It’s just a very tangled web that we’re weaving that leaves so many people uncertain of what the future holds after they pass away.”  Woodward sees the policy as part of a broader pattern that has shaped the lives of disabled people for generations, including forced sterilization and institutionalization in the 20th century.  The marriage penalty, Woodward said, exists along that same continuum of control.  “A lot of people assume we don’t have romantic relationships, we don’t have intimate or sexual relationships,” she said. “None of that is true, but there are systems in place that make marriage equality feel very [unequal] when it comes to the disability community.”  Woodward said the policy could be fixed simply by allowing a person’s assets to be counted only as their own.  A bill in Congress aimed at eliminating the marriage penalty for benefit recipients is currently in committee.   For Stasio, however, policy reform is only one part of the work. Cultural change, and challenging the idea that disabled people are unlovable, incapable or in need of control, is just as critical.  “Nobody should tell you what relationship you should have just to make themselves feel comfortable,” he said. “For me, it’s all about dignity of risk and choice because that’s what love and relationships are about — dignity, risk and choice.”  Noelle E. C. Evans is a Murrow Award-winning reporter/producer at WXXI. She freelances for NPR and BBC. Follow her @noelle_e_c_evans.  This story was adapted from a recent episode of WXXI’s “Move To Include” podcast. Listen to the full series at movetoinclude.org.   The post In love and marriage, people with disabilities pay the price  appeared first on CITY Magazine. Arts. Music. Culture.. ...read more read less