It's time to take out the trash! (AKA the hottest new gossip of 2026!) by Elinor Jones Hi babies! Welcome to the first new Trash Report for 2026. As always, I am your best friend, Elinor Jones. I don't know about you, but I am not bothering with Dryuary this year. I learned from the events of January 6, 2021 that January is always going to give us a reason to toss a few back, and this year has certainly been no different. So pour yourself a glass (or not, if you're reading this in the morning or you're at work—you can have a wet January, but not a you-need-help January) and let's freaking gossip.  National Trash Fucking yikes, you guys—it's bad out there. I hope you are okay. This is feeling like the start of the movies in new theaters when they show off their sound systems and make the GONG sounds, and increase the volume at a slow pace, and you think it can't get any louder, but it just keeps getting louder until your eardrums are getting blown out—right now is like that, but with all the levels of fear and anxiety a populace can carry and still function. They keep turning it up, and we just keeping walking around, doing our jobs, unloading our dishwashers, assuming that either at some point it will stop or at some point we will explode, because this relentless horror is surely unsustainable, right? Like, we can't actually live like this?  But we can! If the last decade has taught us anything, it's that we can. So I'm going to go on and write about a bunch of dumb shit, because we're not dead yet. And while the collapse of America is certainly scary, it can also be very, very funny. Take, for example, the recent kidnapping of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro. While photos of him with his wrists bound and eyes covered circulated in the media, the reaction wasn't only one of shock at this unlawful power grab, but also: cute outfit! Maduro was snapped in a gray Nike Tech Fleece set and I, for one, have so many questions. Since the raid happened at night, is this what he was sleeping in? Seems hot, right? Or was he wearing something else, but was permitted to grab other clothes and this is what he picked? Why not something more formal? Or, if he was told what to put on, why give him branded clothes, and not something more resembling prison clothes? So many questions!! If I am ever to talk to Nicolás Maduro, this is what I will ask him. Either this or if he met Luigi Mangione at the fancy jail. Hard to decide. New Year, Same Me (Watching TV) I rang in the new year watching the Stranger Things finale, not so much out of devotion to the show, of which I have some, but so that I would not get it spoiled in my addiction to the pop culture conversation. My take? I thought it was "okay." There were too many speeches. The graduation thing was unnecessary (except as a chance to recognize Eddie), as I had honestly lost track of the characters' ages or the time of year and had no idea they were still supposed to be in high school, but what they did with El felt right. But now apparently some people think there is another final episode out there? Folks: it's time to move on. There will be other shows.  Meanwhile, down in the Caribbean, pretty much every billionaire in the world was partying in a yacht for the holiday, leaving a perfect opportunity for orcas to do the funniest thing ever. That they didn't should have been a sign as to where 2026 would be headed (badly). Most Important News of 2026 The most important news story of 2026—not just so far, but for the whole year, and I realize this may seem early to be calling it, but I don't care, I know important news when I see it—is the drama involving Ashley Tisdale and the mom group she had to leave due to alleged toxic behavior, about which she wrote about in an essay for The Cut. The mom group in question included other celebrities like Mandy Moore, Megan Trainor, and Hilary Duff, who have all since chimed in in some way or another, and while Duff seems to be the one who Tisdale seems most mad at, Tisdale seems to have been the one who stirred up drama in the first place. The tensions and allegiances are similar in dynamics and global and historical importance to what has been playing out between Russia, Ukraine, and the United States. You see... (Elinor's long diatribe about international political relations has been cut for space and lack of interest.—eds.) ...and as such, if Sharpei had been given the lead role in the musical in the first High School Musical—which we know she earned—NATO would still be a more powerful player on the global stage today.  Relationship Updates! I would like to let you know, or remind you, that Chilli from TLC is dating Matthew Lawrence of the Lawrence brothers, and it's freakin' adorable. They have the sweetest interview in People magazine where Matthew says he knew he loved her seeing her interact with her family, and she said she loved how tenderly he cared for his animals, and then video cuts to him holding a lizard, which is the weirdest animal to use as an example of expressing affection. Imagine in the '90s that Chilli from TLC would ever fall for a white man with a lizard?! This makes their love story a million times more charming. 10/10, will die if they break up.   Elsewhere in couple news, Bill Hader and Ali Wong have broken up after two years of dating. I am under the impression that Bill Hader is a man who cannot be tied down, not because he doesn't want to be, but because newly divorced women understand that he is not theirs for the keeping. They get to enjoy him and brag about the earth-shattering sex they're having with him for a time, and then he moves on to heal another.  Not exactly a couple alert, but I'll put this here: I do my best to avoid coverage of the Kardashian/Jenner group because they get enough coverage, but this will change if Kendall ever comes out as a lesbian. Alas, this will not be that week.  Political Trash When I first saw the headline that Spencer Pratt wants to be the mayor of Los Angeles, I was like, "yeah... and?" Let him cook! Then I saw he's a registered Republican and literally that was the only thing that gave me pause. Otherwise I was fine with it. So that's where I'm at. Stupid.  So when I was listening to Las Culturistas and Matt Rogers told me not to give money to Texas Democrat Jasmine Crockett in her run for Senate, I said, fine by me! I, too, am sick of giving money to Democrats who don't have a rat's chance in hell of winning who then torture me for years afterwards by selling all of my data to other Democrats (somehow always Mark Kelly???) so that it feels like my punishment for caring is getting dozens of frantic texts a week asking for $5, like, "who are you, me to my mom when I was 13?" Rogers and co-host Bowen Yang have since walked back the criticism, but I liked it. We need to do more yelling at Democrats. It doesn't do anything, but it beats not yelling at them. Keep Dreaming A woman in Louisiana was reported to the police for trespassing in her neighbor's pond, and then refused to get out of the pond, telling police that she was trying to be a mermaid. And like, look: we are a country full of Home Goods filled with decorative signs that say things like "Follow Your Dreams," "Mermaid Life," and "Mommy is Wine Drunk." Line those up in one kitchen, and honestly... what do they expect is going to happen?  That's all for now, my friends. I hope next week is better than this one? Swimmingly, ...read more read less